On Wednesday, a woman with crippling acne married a man with more pecs than personality, and a reformed drug addict – who sank lower and became an influencer – married a bloke whose retired policeman father has unwavering ‘Christian values'.
I got the same feeling watching Married At First Sight last night as I did watching Martin Scorsese's The Irishman. It's incredible. What does it all mean? And for crying out loud, how is there still 30 minutes left?
But, just like with The Irishman, I decided to give the creators the benefit of the doubt and searched for their hidden meaning. More on that later.
Crying on the inside: On Wednesday, reformed drug addict Hayley Vernon (left), who sank even further and became an influencer, married David (right), whose retired policeman father has unwavering ‘Christian values'. What could possibly go wrong?
When truck driver David, 31, tells his parents he's about to get married, they're seething.
‘But David! You've been baptised?!'
Apparently THIS is the straw that breaks the Christian values' back.
Not when the 15 random tradies entered their house (without taking their shoes off!) and started setting up camera equipment and lighting rigs?
And not when producers marched in, handed them a ‘schedule' (script) and told them to act fake surprised about their son's fake decision to get fake married?
‘But David! You've been baptised?!' David's mum and dad are seething. David has been baptised after all! And now he wants a fake wedding? ‘Okay son, we'll support you'
David's parents refused to answer my screams at the TV, instead offering a weak protest before eventually agreeing to support their son anyway.
Then we meet the bride.
Hayley Vernon is a 32-year-old finance broker who went from being a drug addict to an influencer. I could argue all day about which one is worse.
Meet the parents: After spending the ceremony rapping and twerking, Hayley sauntered over to meet the seething in-laws. She may as well have brought them an extra jar of salt
Sitting in her bogan-mobile (or four-wheel drive limousine) en route to the wedding, she gets deep and meaningful.
‘The worst thing that could happen today is that they might judge me on my past discretions,' she says.
She also admits there is a 50 per cent chance she'll ‘s**t herself' when she gets there. Luckily by the time she's at the altar it will count as a ‘past discretion'.
PORT MELBOURNE!? The parents get offended when Hayley calls David a ‘country bumpkin', but that's nothing compared to when they find out she's from ‘PORT MELBOURNE!?'
Metaphorically s**tting themselves are David's parents, who hate Hayley and hate that their complex, spiritual son seems to be genuinely happy with her.
After spending the ceremony rapping and twerking, Hayley saunters over to meet the seething in-laws. She may as well have brought them an extra jar of salt.
Dad immediately gets ‘Christian values' offended when Hayley calls his son a ‘country bumpkin' and is even more offended by the next thing she says.
‘What do you mean you're from PORT MELBOURNE?'
‘Past discretions': Here, Hayley's thinking: ‘Judging by how the parents reacted to where I live, maybe now's not the time to tell him I'm an ex-drug addict'. Meanwhile, David is just happy to be on the telly
Dad later says: ‘I think David needs a girl with a personality a little bit more like mine.'
So apparently the right ‘style' of woman for David won't exist until he's finished making that cloning machine he's been toiling away at in the shed.
When it was all over, I thought: ‘What just happened? Surely Australia's most popular show can't be this indecipherable nonsense? No, it must be a metaphor. Like in The Irishman!'
Nonsense? When it was all over, I thought: ‘Surely Australia's most popular show can't be this indecipherable? No, it must be a metaphor. The whole thing is clearly a parable for the coronavirus'
That's when I worked it all out. The whole thing is a parable for the coronavirus.
Hayley (the disease) has an infectious, dangerous energy that clings to everything it comes into contact with.
Chris (the World Health Organisation), is trying to get everyone to calm down and be realistic, even though he knows he's screwed.
The disease: Hayley (the disease) has an infectious, dangerous energy that clings onto everything it comes into contact with
And David's parents are passengers on a cruise ship that just found out the virus is on board.
‘Get us off. Get away from us! Baptised! Christian values! What do you MEAN you're from Port Melbourne!? That's where the diseased live!'
Look I could be wrong and the show could just be extremely entertaining nonsense. Feel free to email me your own theories/comments/complaints.
The WHO: David (the World Health Organisation), is trying to get everyone to calm down and be realistic, even though he knows he's screwed
The Corona Cruise: David's parents are passengers on a cruise ship that just found out the virus is on board
Oh, and there was another wedding as well last night.
A sob story about Vanessa, 31, with an acne affliction, marrying Chris, 37, who has a kids-from-a-previous-marriage affliction.
It would have been a heart-warmer if it felt remotely real. But this is MAFS, so it all fell into place like a carefully crafted children's puzzle and I didn't care for it.
The B plot: The boring second wedding was a fake sob story about Vanessa, 31, with an acne affliction, marrying Chris, 37, who has a kids-from-a-previous-marriage affliction